55 steps to a near death encounter Naruto style!
by Flower of the Desert
Summary: Like the title suggests, 55 ways to almost get killed by the Naruto Cast! Weve got the entire cast, Deidara, Gaara, Kiba, and Orochimaru so far! Will probably end when I run out of people...even dead ones.
1. Most of the cast

**a/n This is my first fan fic, please don't flame! On with the story! Authors thrive on reviews so pulls out tin can and beat up clothing Will work for reviews! **

Give Naruto worms and hot sauce for ramen

Watch as he eats it, turns red, and looks down at the bowl

Repeatedly use Shikamaru as a human shield when he trys to kill you

Throw chicken feed on Sasuke

When he asks what your doing, tell him your feeding his hair

When he asks why, reply "Sas**_gay,_** your hair looks like a chicken's butt."

When he attacks you, use a substitution jutsu

But substitute Naruto

A still-ticked-about-the-ramen-thing Naruto

10.Then set their fan girls on them

11. Ask Gaara why he wears eyeliner, then throw water on him

12. When he growls out a why at you, tell him his eyeliner is running, and that his tattoo is washing off.

13. Watch as he pulls out his sand, then throw a doll at him.

14. A Sakura doll

15. _Lee's_ Sakura doll

16. Watch as Gaara catches it, and out of nowhere an Asparagus attacks him for his doll back

17. Yea, it's Lee

18. Walk away slowly while hiding Lee's doll behind your back, when they start to fight

19. Ask Neji if he's wearing a wig

20. When he says no, cut it really short

21. Then pull the wig off

22. Marvel at how long and shiny his real hair is

23. Paint his nails blue

24. Tell Hinata that Neji stole her nail polish

25. Watch the catfight

26. Throw them both in the fan boy pit

27. Yes, Neji has fan boys

28. Somehow get Kakashi's book

29. Doodle in it while crossing out paragraphs with 'Adult Content'

30. Yes, you have to read it

31. Give him his book back

32. Mention a paragraph you enjoyed, while he eyes you suspiciously

33. Watch as he opens the book and cries

34. Stomp on it, and make him cry like a baby

35. Then burn it

36. Take him to the book store

37. Burn all the Icha-Icha Paradise books

38. Then burn Jiraiya, while screaming "No more perverted books!"

39. Tackle Sasuke, in front of Sakura

40. Scream "Billboard Brow and Chicken Butt Hair are looking for 'Believe It' Boy and Old Man Scarecrow!" while pushing Sasuke into Sakura

41. Naruto and Kakashi will hear this, and start chasing you along with Sasuke and Sakura

42. Run past Neji and Hinata, and for some reason Tenten is with Neji

43. They will start chasing you too

44. Run them all into the still fighting Gaara and Lee

45. Get some popcorn and watch the fight, but don't share it with Choji

46. They will suddenly stop fighting and leave, Shikamaru and Choji in tow

47. DO NOT MOVE

48. They all come back with Ino, Temari, Kankuro, Kibia, and Shino.

49. Squish Shino's bugs, feed Akamaru chocolate, and call Ino a dumb blond.

50. While what you said to Ino sinks in, play tea party with Kankuro's dolls, and fan yourself

51. With Temari's fan

52. Run when they try to kill you

53. When they corner you, pinch yourself, and everyone else. Try to explain that you were making sure this wasn't a dream.

54. Apologize. They won't buy it.

55. Run for your life, and pray to see your next birthday

The result:

You're in the Hospital and your nurse, Sakura, refuses to heal you.

You realize how you were so very stupid to listen to me. I pity you so much you dear, dear, fool. Or, as my friend Tiffany would say, You Foo!

A/n Thanks for reading! Now comes the fun part for me the reviews!


	2. Deidara

**Disclaimer: I don't own, so you big guys in the Lamborghinis can sue me!!!

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Sing 'Dude looks like a lady' whenever he comes into the room

Blame it on Tobi

Replace all of his explosive clay with Play-dough

Mold a copy of his scope in his explosive clay

Steal his scope, and replace it with your clay one

When he goes to wake himself up the next morning by splashing water in his face, watch as the clay explodes

For that whole day run around him screaming "UN!" repeatedly

Sneak into his room at night and place a bowl of cornflakes right where he will step when he wakes up

When he wakes and steps, scream "WHY YA STEPPIN IN MAH CORNFLAKES, UN?!"

Dress up exactly like him, with a Play-dough scope, and right down to the hairstyle, look like a shadow clone

Make it so that he can only eat cornflakes for breakfast

Hide in the fridge

When he inevitably has a bowl of cornflakes, jump out of the fridge and scream "YA STILL UP IN MAH CORNFLAKES, UN?!" still clad in you're Deidara costume

If you're a girl say "Hey Girlfriend, un! Wanna go shopping, un?" while still in you're Deidara out fit

If you're a guy say "DUDE, UN! A HOTT CHICK, UN! Hey baby, wanna go out sometime, un?"

In both cases you'll get a reply of "IM NOT A GIRL, UN!" before you spray him with pixie stick sugar

When he looks at you funny, snap your fingers

A sugar crazed Tobi will bound in, and start eating the sugar you sprayed on Deidara

Snap you're fingers again, and a fountain of sugar and a mountain of candy will appear in the middle of the room

Scream "CANDY MOUNTAIN, UN! CANDY MOUNTAIN, UN! FILL ME UP WITH SWEET SUGARY GOODNESS, UN!!" Whilst doing the worm on top of the mountain of candy

Then shove a toy dinosaur in front of Deidara

Scream "IT'S A LEOFLORIDON CHARLIE, UN! A MAGICAL LEOFLORIDON, UN!" and swich to the Numa Numa Dance

When he asks you what the heck you're doing un, make him watch 'Charlie the Unicorn'

When he starts twitching, take him into a bowling ally

Use an explosive clay bomb as you're bowling ball

When Deidara screams "NO, UN!" don't listen, and throw the ball

When the bowling ally explodes say "SHE DID IT, UN!" and point to Deidara

He'll blame it on Tobi

Tobi will blame it on you

Start playing the blame game

Walk with Deidara and hide a radio fixed to sing 'Barbie Girl' in his robes

Mind you, you are STILL in you're Deidara costume

Rig it so that when he trys to turn it off it gets louder

MUCH louder

Sell his underwear to fangirls as he tries to destroy the radio

Force him to eat cake

Force him to eat **Fish**cakes

Tell him that you sold his teddies to fangirls

Then tell him that 'teddies' means underwear

Happily proclaim that you're the reason Deidara lost his arms

Then proclaim even happier that you are Lord of the Underwear

No, I didn't mess up just then

When he looks at you funny again, climb on top of his head and do the Running Man

Insist that if he doesn't join you, you won't stop

When he reluctantly joins you, jump off doing the worm in mid-air

Tell him that the Running Man went out of style before he was born

Still doing the worm in your Deidara costume explain the phrase 'Yaio' and 'Yuri'

When he starts twitching stop doing the worm and switch to the Robot

Then explain the phrase 'Detailed Lemon' as it applies to fanfiction

Show him a Detailed Lemon in the form of an Icha Icha Paradise book

As he pulls out a kunai to stab himself tell him "Naughty, naughty, Deidei-chan, not until you finish your cornflakes." Shaking your finger like a scolding mother

Sure enough on the table in the kitchen there are his unfinished cornflakes

Instead of letting him finish them, make spaghetti

And pile it with chocolate sauce, marshmallows, M'n'M's, and gummy bears (like in Elf)

Squirt a large amount of ketchup on it and get Tobi to force feed Deidei-chan

The result:

Deidara woke up and his scope exploded, and all of this clay was replaced with Play-dough. Tobi ran around him in circles yelling 'UN!' all day, he got yelled at for stepping in cornflakes, he had a hallucination involving a shadow clone and a Candy Mountain, he blew up a bowling ally, he had to eat Kisame's home cooking, his 'teddies' were sold to his fangirls, he did a really out-of-date dance, he was exposed to the horror of the Icha Icha series, his mother used his nickname with him, and he had to eat spaghetti that was covered in many things that should never be eaten on spaghetti.

All in all, a fairly normal day. Now if he could only find his clay…

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**Thanks so much! Press the review button, you know you want to...**


	3. Gaara

**BEHOLD! Gaara's 55 ways! **

**Disclaimer: Wish I did, but I don't. **

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Scream "DO NOT MICROWAVE!!" every time he picks up something to eat.

Hide in his gourd and pop up at the worst possible moment and scream "PANDA-CHAN! OH PANDA-CHAN! YOU FORGOT YOUR PILLS!"

Tape a piece of paper that reads 'Scream if I'm a psycho.' On his gourd

Dress up like a panda and say your Gaara's sand clone

Hide his teddy in the most obvious place ever, so you know he won't find it.

Ask him for your money back

When he asks why remind him that you loaned it to him so he could buy eye-liner

Make him meet up with Naruto

Make sure Naruto lives

Shrink yourself and sit on his shoulder all day

Whisper naughty things while on his shoulder

Sing 'American Idiot' every time he sits down somewhere

Give him sleeping pills

Hide all of his clothes

When he goes outside in the buff to kill you scream "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and run past him with all of his clothes

Make him wach a chick-flick

Video tape him crying during said chick-flick

Sell said video on E-bay

Rake in huge cash and give Naruto half

When he asks why you gave Naruto half tell him "He's a nice person who doesn't set fire to small children!" and walk away in a huff

(Wow, your not dead yet? Well, the here's the other 35)

Get a giant swimming pool

Fill giant swimming pool with lard

Push Gaara into giant swimming pool filled with lard

Put puke colored paint and sparkles into his gourd

Shake vigorously and put gourd back like nothing happened

When he whips out his sand for a battle scream "ITS PUKE-TASTIC!!"

Question everything he says

Scream at inconvenient times

Sing 'Aint No Other Man' every time he looks at you

Say "Santa's a saint, Gaara's a ………DEMON." After he says something mean to you

Steal Gaara's money

Use money to bribe Temari into giving you nude pictures of him when he was a baby

Sell pictures

Give him as much money as you stole from him from the pictures profits

When he asks why you gave him the money give him a Mona Lisa smile and say "Just paying you back."

Show Hinata one of the pictures

When she faints find Gaara

Slap him

When he asks why you just did that tell him "Hinata just fainted and it's YOUR FAULT!!"

Slip an explosive tag into his tea

When it explodes run like the wind

When he finds you use Sasuke as a human shield

Scream "He did it!" and point to Gaara when Sasuke looks at you with a killing intent

Sell tickets when Sasuke attacks Gaara

Pay Sasuke half of the earnings

Tell Gaara it was always part of your plan

Give Gaara a present and a warm smile

When he grips his head in confusion tell him "It's ok Gaara, I'm here now." And pat him on the back

Make open the present; it will be a Brittany Spears CD

Make him listen to Toxic

Tackle him for no reason

Say Hi

Say Hi repeatedly every time he opens his mouth

If he asks for the time tell him a random number

(You still aren't dead? That's a first, but the last one will defiantly kill you.)

Live

The result:

Gaara lost his teddy; random people screamed at him all day, his clothes were stolen, his tea exploded, his sand turned a funky color, he got pushed into a swimming pool filled with lard, he got into a fight with Sasuke, and he was comforted and got a horrible present. At least he didn't get pushed into the fangirl pit, he reasoned.

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**Not as funny as my usual, but review so I can know how it was!!**


	4. Kiba

**Here's Kiba's (Akamaru included) 55 ways!!**

**Disclaimer: -scowls at lawyers- I. Don't. Freakin. Own. It. **

Repeatedly click a ballpoint pen next to his ear (thank you Gaara's-pandachan101)

Release a cat right in front of him

Don't let him chase it

Steal Akamaru

Make him (Akamaru) "pretty"

Teach Akamaru to "play dead" after you make him "pretty"

Invite Kiba over

Make sure Akamaru is in the middle of the room "playing dead"

Liberally apply ketchup to Akamaru while Kiba is in the other room

Send Kiba in

When he (Kiba) starts crying make Akamaru jump up, perfectly fine

Dunk him (Kiba) in a vat filled with chocolate

Have Akamaru jump in after him

Go original. Push Kiba into a fangirl pit

_Sasuke's_ fangirl pit

Take pity on him and help him out

Then push him back in again

Sing any Marry Popin song

Scream "SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!!" Whenever he asks a question

Pour black ink over Akamaru

Scream "Cat fight!" When ever he talks to Naruto

Then say "Oh, excuse me. DOG and, er...fox...person...thing...FIGHT!!"

Invite him over to your house

Serve ramen

Refuse to eat and glance at the bowl warily

Go into another room and fill a glass jar with water and put the smallest amount of yellow food coloring in it so it turns a pale yellow

Go back into the room where Kiba's eating

Happily proclaim "The tape worms escaped again!" and look at Kiba in disgust before breaking out in tears

Walk over to him, sobbing and cram the ramen into the jar before kicking him out

Do an elaborate Mexican hat dance around him

Smash a mud pie in his face whilst dancing and pretend like nothing happened

Find Orochimaru

Tell him that Kiba has a better body than Sasuke

Pay Jiraiya to take pictures of Kiba while he's in the bath house

Show Orochimaru said pictures than slap Orochimaru's hand and say "GERTATO CHIGS." And walk away like you're mad

Tell him Jiraiya put you up to it

Pay Jiraiya to tell him Kiba put him up to it

Make an intricately detailed plushy of Akamaru

Lead Kiba into the bathroom under the impression you are holding Akamaru, when it's just the plushy

Flush plushy down the toilet

Call Kiba Lassie and refuse to call him anything else

Dress up like Hinata and do a disturbing dance in front of Kiba (your choice)

Act like you have a nervous breakdown whenever Kiba says 'What?'

Better yet, **have** a nervous breakdown whenever he says that

Buy Akamaru a girl poodle

Don't tell Kiba why Akamaru is overly happy

Ask Kiba a rhetorical question

Scream "DARLENE!" every time he tries to answer it

Ask him where babies come from

Wait eagerly as he squirms and trys to explain

Scream "Story time! Story time!" late at night, preferibly around dawn

Punch him on the nose

Scream "Bad Kitty!" while doing so

Super glomp him and then crack a joke about Tsunade's chest region, in front of Tsunade

Blame Kiba and then cackle "And I'll get you, and your little dog too!"

**The result:**

Orochimaru stalked him, he ate a tapeworm, he got pushed into a vat off chocolate and a fangirl pit _twice_, Tsunade attacked him, FOTD flushed Akamaru down a toilet, super glomped him, smashed a mud pie in his face, and he watched Hinata do a disturbing dance. He sneezed. Someone must be laughing at his pain. He, and Deidara, and Gaara were going to destroy FOTD. One way or another.

**Far away:**

A girl sat at her computer chair laughing her arse off at Kiba's pain as her best friend glared daggers at her. The giggling girl sneezed. "Someone must be plotting my demise." She said and shrugged.

Fear for your life FOTD. FEAR. Wait, why the heck am I referring to myself in third person? Oh well. I forgot my meds, no wonder.

**Review! Give me suggestions for my next victim, erm, no 'victim's right. Review please!! **


	5. Orochimaru

**Orochimaru's 55 ways! **

**Disclaimer: Don't. Freakin. Own. It. **

Scream "Plastic Michel!" and dive under a table when he enters the room

Proclaim your spoon is too big and chuck it at his head

Pretend to have a cold, keep this up for a few days. Innocently ask him why there's green stuff floating in his soup during those few days

Angrily tell him it was his fault the tapeworms escaped in the last chapter

Ask him why he tried to kill "That Potter kid"

When he looks at you blankly, tell him everyone he's ever been paired up with

Bookmark an M rated fanfiction for each pairing, and force him to read them

Angrily yell random words at him for 6 and a-half days

Repeatedly poke Kabuto

Tell Kabuto to take his frustration out on Orochimaru

Call him Oro-chan and refuse to call him by any other name

Repeatedly poke Orochimaru with a raw carrot

Complain that Sasuke's a "whiney brat" for 4 straight hours

If he ever offers you something, scream "How could you!" and walk away sobbing

Hold a conversation with him, rhyming every four words you say

Dress up like him, face paint and all

Hiss at him that you want his body (puking while doing so ruins it)

When he tells you its impossible, stretch out your tongue as far as it can go, and then pass out

When you wake up tell him "I'm having a shindutinanyhullablo!" before getting angry and throwing a rock at him

Throw sharp pointy objects at him. The sharper and pointy-er the better

Have an intense one-sided conversation with your spoon, the same one you chucked at his head

Sing the 'Doom Song'

Repeat

When he gets ready to cut off his ears to cut off your incessant babbling, tilt your head to the side and ask him why he's pulling a Van Goh

Poke his dead arms over and over

Ask him why they don't move innocently

Get a rotten cabbage

Scream "I SHALL SMITE THE WITH MY MIGHTY SMITING SWORD!!" and pelt the cabbage at his head

Make completely innocent statements that can be taken the wrong way. For example: "I know what you and Kabuto did last night."

Stand abnormally close to him

All day

Make it a point to hug Oro-chan 12 times a day for a month

Call it "Mission H.U.G."

Tell him this

Then explain that H.U.G. stands for "Hugs for Unidentified Genders" and tell him Haku's on the same plan, with Deidara, un

Tell him he has a serious disease: Sasukefanboy-itis

Tell him every single way he's ever screwed up during the course of the series

Tell him corny jokes

At un-Godly hours of the night and early morning

Wear a bowl on your head. Say nothing

At breakfast, scream "There's Anthrax in my bagel!" and fling your _waffle_ across the room

Answer his questions with questions, even ones he doesn't direct to you

Tape a picture of him to your wall

When he walks past your room (your living in his not-so-secret hideout) use the picture for target practice

Constantly quote Gir (from Invader Zim) at bad times

Overuse and misuse words like "savvy" and "luv" in his presence

Open up a bottle of Snapple

Hold it up to your ear and nod every few minutes

Suddenly look disgusted and angry, re-cap it, and throw it across the room careful not to break it

Walk away like nothing happened.

Burst back into the room and crush the bottle. Refuse to clean it up

Explain that you want to wach it suffer with a friend and whip out another bottle of Snapple. Sit in front of the broken bottle with your new bottle and cackle evilly every few seconds

**The result:**

Orochimaru: -scans list- Kabuto!

Kabuto: Yes?

Orochimaru: This list looks suspiciously like what you and FOTD did to me last week.

Kabuto: -whistling- _thinks: You didn't even check the pen name did you?_

Orochimaru: -narrows eyes- Run.

Kabuto: Yessir!

Orochimaru: At least I didn't get pushed into the f- whoa!

-FOTD suddenly appears and pushes Oro-chan into the fan-girl pit-

FOTD in mock innocent voice: Oops, did I do that?

**Well, what did ya think? Review pwease!!**


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